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Literature Text
When we say hairline
understood as human hair
and
in the average of our daily lives would indicate
such a minuscule matter
microscopic width
indifferent distance
But when it becomes
the keen remoteness between your heart and mine
and the
almost warmth of your sure touch on my doubtful skin
I'd rather be at the apex
while you at the bottom of the
Himalayan mountains
where the cold and view of horizon
would help
lessen the longing
But I
I digress
and I
remind myself
of the 17-180 micrometer
demarcation bar
hairline fracture-esque in appearance
yet gargantuan in sensation
You are the maxillary 3rd molars
I should have extracted
long ago
I suffocate
living in broken recording
hearing your breath whisper
begging
I hope you
drown
exhaustingly
give up
and drown
where sunlight can never again reach you
nor deja vu resuscitate the harbored air
of our 17-180 micrometer
transatlantic gully
I am tormented by a hairline
I am being pushed to the purlieu of my existence
by 17-180 micrometers
The common width of human hair
and of
infinitesimal
excruciating
distance
understood as human hair
and
in the average of our daily lives would indicate
such a minuscule matter
microscopic width
indifferent distance
But when it becomes
the keen remoteness between your heart and mine
and the
almost warmth of your sure touch on my doubtful skin
I'd rather be at the apex
while you at the bottom of the
Himalayan mountains
where the cold and view of horizon
would help
lessen the longing
But I
I digress
and I
remind myself
of the 17-180 micrometer
demarcation bar
hairline fracture-esque in appearance
yet gargantuan in sensation
You are the maxillary 3rd molars
I should have extracted
long ago
I suffocate
living in broken recording
hearing your breath whisper
begging
I hope you
drown
exhaustingly
give up
and drown
where sunlight can never again reach you
nor deja vu resuscitate the harbored air
of our 17-180 micrometer
transatlantic gully
I am tormented by a hairline
I am being pushed to the purlieu of my existence
by 17-180 micrometers
The common width of human hair
and of
infinitesimal
excruciating
distance
Literature
10.04
i.
She sits all alone by the sea
before the empty stretch;
whispered winds wandering through,
without any hope
of a realisation.
ii.
The hush of skin on skin,
such submission in her posture
to shimmy past boulders and pebbles alike
into the vast emptiness --
what a wonderful death it is. To drown.
iii.
Wooden clunk of boats
rocking against the gentle, rippling tides;
brightly painted sides
and glowing edges
and well-ripened lichen and a lining of barnacles
which soothes the onrushing memories.
iv.
Gravel-like hiss of sand on the
sloping route up wooden stairs,
creaky, crumbling boathouse;
faded outlook under grey-blue c
Literature
8.10.12
he unsnapped her bra
along with her backbone,
caressing her shoulder blades,
holding her up by her collar bones.
she slid down his boxers
and stripped off his skin,
soothing his nerve endings,
laying him down by his veins.
but they couldn't love properly;
he was selfish in one eye.
Literature
note 28
you are beauty
written over and over
Suggested Collections
AS READ BY THE STUNNING =SilverInkblot : [link] 
AS READ BY MOI: [link]
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NAPOWRIMO#28
EDITED MAY 21, '12
This is the last draft now, I am in the process of finalizing now, so what do you think so far guys?
Personal
Free Verse
Dedicado a mi amor estúpido
The idea of using measurement for a title and theme I got from the great *pseudometry, of course though, this piece is all me and no plagiarism is intended or involved
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I WOULD SUPER LOVE TO SEE COMMENTS, THANK YOU!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Critiques:
Which lines did you like the least?
Which lines did you like the most?
What do you think of the flow?
Was the poem too lengthy or too short or just right?
Additional comments
AS READ BY MOI: [link]
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
NAPOWRIMO#28
EDITED MAY 21, '12
This is the last draft now, I am in the process of finalizing now, so what do you think so far guys?
Personal
Free Verse
The idea of using measurement for a title and theme I got from the great *pseudometry, of course though, this piece is all me and no plagiarism is intended or involved
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I WOULD SUPER LOVE TO SEE COMMENTS, THANK YOU!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Critiques:
Which lines did you like the least?
Which lines did you like the most?
What do you think of the flow?
Was the poem too lengthy or too short or just right?
Additional comments
Comments48
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Overall
Vision Originality
Technique ImpactReading through this piece initially, I didn't catch on to the fact that 17-180 micrometers was referring to the width of a human hair until the very end, but that aha moment was so, so sweet.
I think you paced this piece really well; you introduced your readers to new ideas and thoughts only when you were ready to, and it worked beautifully.
So, a few things.
I think you should put a space between "lessen the longing" and "But I digress," as I feel like there's a pause there that should be reflected in a space, a change of pace, a moment to stop and take a breather before plunging in head-first if you know what I mean.
I'm not sure that the stanza that begins "That with every breath I take in/I lose more" really adds anything to this piece, though--I feel like it's more fluff than it is story or plot, if that makes sense? It's a bit more forced than the rest of this, and doesn't flow as well. I understand that you're attempting to portray your point, that you want (him/her/it) to go drown...but I'm not real taken with this stanza in particular, and I don't know that you necessarily need it here.
I like the closing message, though. That idea of "so close, yet so far" is very easy to relate to, and I love that you draw everything together with the last few lines. Nice work on this--it's a unique and intriguing piece, and you did a lovely job with making me think outside the box!