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:iconsammur-amat: More from Sammur-amat


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Words by ArikaRinkishika

Literature by nuisances


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Submitted on
October 22, 2012
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Even if it were true
That to savor each and every second of our time on earth
Would be as foolish an attempt as counting all the
Specks of sand spread across the shores
Of the east coast waters,
If by doing so would mean that I could
Undo time and distance's doing and
Have you by my side once more
Then trust me, babe, I will start counting
From this moment on, diligently so-
With burning eyes and drowning senses,
Till my fingernails turn to specks themselves
And my hair reminiscent of sea foam

There will never be an obsession like mine- over your soul
The lack and longing from my core leaves me salivating,
Leaves me a special kind of sick and a raving kind of mad
You're a combustible burning ball of gas- a star, babe
Each and every time I recall
My fingernails clutching
The back of your leather jacket as we shared our final
Embrace and French kiss,
I fail to realize that all my longing is fruitless-
You've died long ago, without my consent, and
That death is cause and reason for
The black hole I have in my heart-
I will suck the life out of me
AS READ BY DEAREST *disrhythmic : [link] :love:

But when you walked out that door, a piece of me died
I told you I wanted more-but that's not what I had in mind..
..I will love you till the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you'll remember that you're mine..
..Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember
I will love you till the end of time
Blue Jeans , Lana Del Ray

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Free Verse:heart:

Your feedback, as always,
is both highly anticipated and appreciated. :eager:

COMMENTS ARE ALWAYS, ALWAYS LOVED!! THANK YOU!! :love:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Critique:
Which line did you like the least?
Which line did you like the most?
Two-cents please?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconcelestialmemories:
Sometimes I wonder if the concept of love and love lost will ever be beating a dead horse, but you always surprise me with such beautiful execution of this topic.


If I was to mention how many lines that I enjoyed the most, I would run out of room in the critique box! Haha. :)

What is enjoying about the piece is how free that you have allowed the lines to be, while you clearly add punctuation where it is needed (and most people use punctuation as a way to end the line) you use the punctuation to emphasize what you need to say, and clearly keep words close together for the context (for example, the line "You're a combustible burning ball of gas--a star, babe).

Note on that line, by the way. When you use dashes, you don't put spaces in between the words and the dashes. And you use two (--). Anyway!

The lines in that way that you style them, does not seem to poetry anymore but is instead just a collection of thoughts (which I'm sure in your beautiful mind is how you think all the time!) It gives me this very relatable feeling--not over the fact that we are all people who have experienced love and love lost, but the feeling that anyone could think these words. And just like thoughts, manifest themselves to be oddly-structured and random.

I may just be out on a limb here, but I think the fact that you used commas and not periods gives the idea that you are not finished. Not in writing, but your relationship with this person has not ended and is only hindered and stopped with brief pauses (the commas).

I really enjoyed this piece very much and it was absolutely lovely and stunning to read!! :heart:
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconlombregrise:
lombregrise Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2013  Professional Writer
you're caught in my weekly feature [link] :rose:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2013   General Artist
Merci beaucoup mon ami! :huggle:
Reply
:icongoose-fat:
goose-fat Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013   Writer
"You're a combustible burning ball of gas- a star, babe
Each and every time I recall
My fingernails clutching
The back of your leather jacket as we shared our final
Embrace and French kiss,
I fail to realize that all my longing is fruitless-
You've died long ago, without my consent, and
That death is cause and reason for
The black hole I have in my heart-"

Gorgeous. :)
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013   General Artist
Thank you infinitely, sugar :heart:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
"You died long ago, without my consent"
gahhh you are so beautiful :heart: This is yet another exemplary piece by you, amazing job :tighthug:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012   General Artist
I'm always so very glad and humbled to hear what you have to say, darling! Thank you so very very kindly maddiepie! :tighthug:
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2012  Professional Writer
That last line is incredible.

Ok the whole poem is but really the last line... that had impact

You write about longing and love lost so very well. It makes me wonder where the inspiration comes from and why you write it. But then perhaps we should not question beautiful things.

Someone above said "babe" didnt mesh with the rest of the poem - true to fit in with the rest of the well spun words something like 'darling' is more arguably appropriate, but when I went and read it a second time I found that I liked the juxtaposition of the wordsworth stylings with modern influence. It makes the poem more... You. Your voice, if that makes sense. So I say keep it.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 26, 2012   General Artist
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my work, dear friend, I really do appreciate every bit of your words! :tighthug:

I'm so very glad you found it to be that way:heart:

It was originally baby, which I then changed to babe, as per suggestion from the adorable ~glossolalias
Thank you ever so kindly, to be told that something I write indeed sounds like myself, as if I already have a distinguishable voice- means the world to me. You are far too lovely:heart:
Reply
:iconreflectionsinwater:
reflectionsinwater Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hmm.. The tone is interesting. Baby does give sort of an edge to the poem, (I can't help thinking a bit biker style for some reason XD). The flow of images was done growing bigger and wider from the sea to space, though having more of earthly senses was quite interesting and certainly effective, though it might make the flow a bit abrupt at times. At times, it felt there wasn't enough of that lusty feeling if that is what you might want to go for, but I could be completely wrong.

You're a combustible burning ball of gas- a star, baby
Each and every time I recall
My fingernails clutching
The back of your leather jacket as we shared our final
Embrace and French kiss,

That is the best part. Some lovely imagery :)
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012   General Artist
Thank you so very much for taking the time to read and comment on my work, dear friend, I truly appreciate it! :hug:
Yeah, that was kind of theme I was going for, so I'm glad it came off that way to you. :la:
Also, being an awkward person in RL, the ideas of'sexy' and 'lusty' come off as quite the challenge for me. :XD:

Thanks again, lovely person:heart:
Reply
:iconyour-methamphetamine:
your-methamphetamine Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012  Student Writer
why must you be so talented.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012   General Artist
I believe I should be the one asking you that question.

:tighthug:
Reply
:iconamanda-graham:
Amanda-Graham Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012  Professional Writer
:kiss: lol me and my spell and grammer checking

"Specs of sand" - "Specks of sand"
"fingernails turn to specs " - "fingernails turn to specks"

good girl such good work ---- *drips*

:frail::butterfly::onfire:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012   General Artist
Edited! :la: Thank you so very kindly, marvelous Ms. Mandy! :tighthug:

You are far too kind to me:heart:
Reply
:iconamanda-graham:
Amanda-Graham Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012  Professional Writer
no i am not, not a kind being in any experiential way.

you write beautifully and we all miss small things.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012   General Artist
but of course are Ms. Mandy, truly so:heart:

Thanks again! :huggle:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012
There will never be an obsession like mine- over your soul
The lack and longing from my core leaves me salivating,
Leaves me a special kind of sick and a raving kind of mad
You're a combustible burning ball of gas- a star, baby


asdfghjkl that is just all kinds of wonderful. <3 Much like you. ^^

And regarding the use of 'baby', I quite like it, personally. It adds to the obsession. :)
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012   General Artist
<3

:faint:

Eeep. You're far too lovely to me, you know that? :tighthug:

I'm really glad and relieved to hear you think so! :love:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012
-picks you back up and sets you on your feet- Not too lovely--never too lovely, just exactly lovely enough. <3

-wiggles shyly- Could I read this for Tumblr, pretty please with a cherry on top?
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012   General Artist
:heart:

Absotively posilutely!! I would be so very honored to hear you read this piece, dizzy! :love:
I'm already so excited to hear you read this! :la:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012
Eee, yay! :D I'll record it tonight and pop it into Sta.sh so you can hear it before I put it on Tumblr. ^^
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012   General Artist
Woopeee!:iconlawooplz:
I'll totally be waiting then. :giggle:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012
Obviously I didn't get to it last night (oops, hehe ^^;) but I should be able to record it tonight for sure. :D I'll let ya know. ^^
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012   General Artist
It's totally fine, doll. Take your time:heart:
Please do then. :la:
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
really strong feelings coming from this.
it flows so well and with a palpable passion.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012   General Artist
Ah, right on queue:heart:
I am so very glad you enjoyed the read, sugar! :huggle:
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:)
as am I! :hug:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012   General Artist
:iconlainloveplz:
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:D
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012   General Artist
:XD:
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2012
in this poem, i feel like the use of the word "baby" is inappropriate. it sounded so strange and colloquial against the backdrop of lush diction.

otherwise, this was gorgeous and romantic and tragic and mmm. i really loved it. that second stanza is amazing.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012   General Artist
Haha, really? I was hoping it would make the eloquent poem feel a little more real, i guess i failed then? :XD:

Thank you so very much, darling. I'm so very humbled:heart: You are amazing! :love:
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012
this might be a personal preference, but i think it would work better if you used another pet name. "baby" has been littered on by pop culture.

you're welcome c:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012   General Artist
Any recommendations, love? :dummy:

:heart:
Reply
:iconglossolalias:
glossolalias Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012
uhmmmm idk it's all preference D: i'm a fan of one syllable endearments, myself. babe/love/pet/sweetness

pretend that last one isn't two syllables :B
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2012   General Artist
Babe sounds like a good replacement for baby, I'll prolly do that.

Ahahaha! :lol:
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