Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
The first thing that I can assure you of is the fortitude of my soul: I am a pact so strong that even the hurricane which caused my house to tear apart couldn't budge me. So strong, that even the earthquake that cracked the face of my school building couldn't chip me. So strong, that no amount of tidal waves could crash and break into my walls, my being. I am a pact made of several precious trinkets, letters and colors bound fervently. My frame has become a watchtower and my spirit, its sentry; I fulfill set duty. I am a pact so strong that I crave for certain commotion over what it is that I am, I wear and bare my vanity. I am a thrill seeker, a bungee jumper. I thrive off adrenaline rushes brought about by the feeling of close calls, the always present possibility of a snapping of the cord, a real potential to, not just fall, but truly crash and burn from grace. I am of a life wanting to be fully fueled, felt and fulfilled. I am a draconian as an experienced freedom fighter.

The last thing I want to tell you about, though, is the frailty of my heart: I am a pact so weak that by your toothless grin alone my house falls and I am naked, and my school is buried along with my principles. I am a pact so weak, that once you reach out your waving hand to me, it will be like there never were walls to begin with as I inaudibly crumble. You are far worse than any other kind of natural disaster I've had to deal with, and I've dealt with plenty. If this doesn't say something then I don't know what will. I'm quitting duty already. Screw the talk of trinkets and poetry. I hate vanity and find mirrors frightening. Also, as much as I am a thrill seeker, I don't intend to keep letting you bungee jump with my heart; It's been yanked around by you far too much already that you have me feeling absolutely terrified. And, just like that, just by having your breath against my beating chest, the cord snaps and my heart sinks into unknown territories. You become far more precious than life and it is clear that I am way past the point of surrender already. I am pleading with you for mercy.
AS READ BY MOI: [link] :meow:

EDITED :squee:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

NAPOWRIMO#21 :la:

Have I mentioned before how much I enjoy prosetry?:heart:

A prose poem. I will be moving it to prose once NaPoWriMo is over with. :giggle:

This piece is another one of my free verse writing, it is also one of my more personal pieces. As always, comments and suggestions are truly, truly, truly appreciated:heart:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Critiques:
Which lines did you like the least?
Which lines did you like the most?
What do you think of the flow?
Was the poem too lengthy or too short or just right?
Additional comments :D
Add a Comment:
 
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
beautifully expressed. The way you first made yourself all these walls to then explain how they were tore down... there was a certain beauty. It was a wonderful read (:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013   General Artist
Thank you for your sincere and touching sentiments, dear one. :huggle:
Nothing can give me more joy than knowing another has found meaning in my work. Thanks again from the bottom of my heart. :heart:
Reply
:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2012
Your enjoyment of prosetry sure shines through, and do you know what the best part is? It’s enjoyable even for a reader i.e. me who doesn’t usually dig it.
More than enjoyable, actually.
The natural disaster and extreme sport imagery is a poignant, powerful choice that gives all the feelings in the piece a rough edge, just beneath the surface of the fine wording; also, it ties elegantly together the two parts, adrenaline rush and confession of vulnerability, so regarding the overall flow I’d say you have nothing to worry about. It’s well-knit and lets nothing useless into the picture.

A few itty bitty things that jumped out to me:
:bulletwhite: My frame has become a watchtower and my spirit, its sentry; I fulfill set duty.
I felt that the comma between spirit and its sentry disrupts the continuity of the sentence: it’s a short one and doesn’t sound heavy to read aloud without the pause at all, but if you’d rather keep the comma, perhaps putting it in the place of and would be better?
The semicolon isn’t just too charming here: set duty makes me think of a direct consequence to sentry, therefore the most logical punctuation mark would be the colon.
:bulletwhite: a real potential to, not just fall
There might be some English language sublety I’m missing, but the comma doesn’t feel necessary, it adds a pause that, coupled with the others that precede and follow it, feels a bit hiccup-y.
:bulletwhite: I am a draconian as an experienced freedom fighter
as draconian, I suppose? (Typo-spotting aside, I just have to say this counts as my personal favourite line and simile.)
:bulletwhite: you have me feeling absolutely terrified
On that absolutely, I have some mixed feelings: let us not mince words, it is an ugly adverb in general even by the standards of adverbs; terrified is a strong adjective enough to stress the point without having to rely on the adverb. On the other hand, people do use absolutely a lot in the spoken language, so it gives off here a “too viscerally scared to even mind the correct words” sort of vibe. I don’t know if it outweighs the disadvantages, but the last word on that is yours.

/punctuation babbling, on to :+favlove:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012   General Artist
Oh wow, thank you so very kindly for taking the time to read and provide me with such detailed and helpful feedback! I will be certain to do the best that I can to accommodate your lovely suggestions and corrections dear one! :huggle:
Reply
:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012
You're welcome, and I'm very glad to know you've found the suggestions to be of use ;)
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012   General Artist
Most certainly so! Thanks again! :giggle:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2012  Student Writer
You had me from the very first line. I love how you contrasted the strength of the soul and the vulnerability of the heart; the metaphors were lovely. I think it would've worked better formatted as poetry, but all the same it flowed very, very well.

My favorite lines were " I thrive off adrenaline rushes brought about by the feeling of close calls, the always present possibility of a snapping of the cord, a real potential to, not just fall, but truly crash and burn from grace."

&

"I am of a life wanting to be fully fueled, felt and fulfilled." <--especially this one. :D

All in all I thought it was just great. :clap:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2012   General Artist
First off, let me thank you for taking the time to read and comment through my work, I really appreciate it! :love:

Your comment just made me feel like a million dollar baby! Nothing could make me happier than the thought of somebody else enjoying my work:heart:

You are wonderful! Thanks again! :huggle:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012  Student Writer
It was my pleasure, really. :D :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2012   General Artist
:iconlaloveplz:
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: Featured: [link] :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2012   General Artist
Went to check it out and was pleasantly surprised and humbled to see myself included, talk abut being excited :XD:
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well you are indeed a fine writer, my dear. And I'll have you know that I've noticed you growing leaps and bounds in your work. :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2012   General Artist
Thank you ever so kindly for such lovely words of encouragement:heart:
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I don't mind speaking the truth, doll. (:
Reply
:iconxanimangax:
xanimangax Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
oh wow, i really, really love this piece! it`s so difficult to write about what you truly feel in the depths of your heart—or even to be able to write about a heavy/negative topic from your own perspective (and not from, say, an aging writer)—so kudos to you for being able to do just that.8)

1.) it was pretty hard to decide, but i'd have to say it's, "screw the talks of trinkets and poetry." i just felt that the sentence somewhat deviated from the initial strong, confident feel of the poem and instead took on a more aggressive stance, which, to me, didn`t exactly click with the rest of the lines. it sort of disturbed the flow of the poem.

2.) i really like the first line because of the certainty you managed to display about your being. it`s like you`re so sure of yourself that it feels as if nothing can break you, an idea you further showcased in the succeeding lines (all of which i also really like). i also fancy the line, "i am a pact so strong... i wear and bare my vanity" because the imagery of the words is just beautiful, and it also gives off the impression that you`re asking for something to try and disturb your stable personality.

3.) aside from the line i mentioned in my answer to the first question, the general flow is wonderful. it`s prosetry, isn`t it? it`s interesting for me to see this kind of piece because i rarely check out works like it. it was written like a story but was embedded with so much figurative language that it could still be called a poem. your diction and punctuation are all fine, too.

4.) the length, in my opinion, is just fine! you manage to get your feelings across in these two stanzas, and that`s already perfect for me. i see that there is space for you to add more lines/stanzas, if you wish, only if you feel that you need to say more, but it`s beautiful the way it is.

andddd that`s that, i suppose~ keep up the great writing! ;u;
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2012   General Artist
Thank you so very much for paying so much attention to my work, I am humbled and moved beyond words! :huggle:
Nothing can make me happier than knowing that my work was able to touch somebody. :love:

Thanks again, you lovely person, you!:heart:
Reply
:iconactsofart:
ActsofArt Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I really like the imagery of this piece and how it always seems to flow right to the next line, that drew me in and kept me reading.
my least favorite line was:
"I am a draconian as an experienced freedom fighter."
that's more just because draconian is an uncommon word and for a second I was like "what?"
I think maybe my favorite line was:
"My frame has become a watchtower and my spirit, its sentry; I fulfill set duty"
this is a really powerful line and I think it has a lot of impact.
I think the length was perfect it doesn't drag out but neither does it halt too abruptly.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2012   General Artist
To start, please know how much I value each and every comment and opinion shared, you guys are all awesome sauce! :glomp:
I've always wanted to use the word draconian though but never found the right spot for it, so while writing this I though to myself "hey now" :giggle:
I'm thrilled to know you enjoyed that bit:heart:
Thanks again, lovely, I am glad you stumbled unto this piece of mine:heart:
Reply
:iconactsofart:
ActsofArt Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
you're welcome :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2012   General Artist
:heart:
Reply
:iconisabellamichel:
IsabellaMichel Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012  Student Writer
Least favorite line (which was a very difficult decision!)

" And, just like that, just by having your breath against my beating chest, the cord snaps and my heart sinks into unknown territories"

Most favorite

" I am a pact so weak that by your toothless grin alone my house falls and I am naked, and my school is buried along with my principles"

This is a very good line... it reminds me of childhood and the horror that I put my mother through. O.O

"The flow is well done. Sometimes it's hard to tell...with short prosetry, whether or not it could have kept going. I feel like the transition line out of the first paragraph to the next was a little awkward somehow. Other than that, I thought it read very smoothly.

I think it's too short. I want to read more! ^^

"My frame has become a watchtower and my spirit, its sentry; I fulfill set duty." I also love this so much! The imagery you bring in this piece is fantastic (which is a technique in prosetry that many, including I, attempt from time to time.) It's like a hurricane went through your spirit from all of the scares. This makes me feel awful for scaring my family with all of the little...accidents I've had. When the debree from the last trajedy hits, they're cleaning up and preparing for the next one, with a bit of a broken heart. (At least, that's what I've been told...)
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012   General Artist
First off, thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my work, I truly appreciate it! :la:

Thank you so very much for all your lovely words, you have no idea how I can't stop smiling right now:heart:

Thank you for making my day! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconisabellamichel:
IsabellaMichel Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012  Student Writer
:) You're quite welcome.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2012   General Artist
:iconluvluvplz:
Reply
:iconisabellamichel:
IsabellaMichel Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2012  Student Writer
Least favorite line: ( It was a very hard decision mind you. I liked it all!)
Reply
:iconchsehd41:
chsehd41 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012
That is the most real testament to motherhood that I've ever read. Inspired!!!
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012   General Artist
Thank you so very much for the humbling praise!:heart:
I'm thrilled to know you've enjoyed the read! :XD:
Reply
:iconchsehd41:
chsehd41 Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012
Thank YOU!








t
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012   General Artist
:glomp:
Reply
:iconnataroque:
nataroque Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
This is a gorgeous piece with amazing imagery and delicious words~
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2012   General Artist
Thank you oh so very much, sweetie!:heart:
Nothing makes me happier than to know that somebody has enjoyed something I've written :huggle:
Reply
:iconjujutsu:
Jujutsu Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
YES!
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2012   General Artist
:iconaawplz:
Reply
:iconold-scorpio1979:
old-scorpio1979 Featured By Owner May 31, 2012
Very deep, dark and insightful. It resounded deeply within me. Thank you very much for bringing it out for us...
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner May 31, 2012   General Artist
I'm truly humbled by your praise, thank you!:heart:
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner May 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is absolutely lovely with the flow of the language. Nice use of imagery, as well. Very poetic thoughts, indeed.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner May 31, 2012   General Artist
:blush: I'm so glad you like it! Thank you for your lovely words:heart:
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure. :)
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2012   General Artist
:heart:
Reply
:iconmetoka:
Metoka Featured By Owner May 30, 2012
Is prosetry a mixture or poems and poetry?
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner May 31, 2012   General Artist
Yeah, something along those lines :giggle:
Reply
:iconnotsousual:
NotSoUsual Featured By Owner May 21, 2012   Digital Artist
This is actually very cool. I love the imagery you worked in to this. And the contrast is great. However, I'm not really sure if the second verse has the same emotion all over it. For a bit it is really exposed, fragile, and for a bit it is a bit aggressive ('screw the talk of trinkets...', 'I hate vanity'). I think that's about the only critique I could give, and I'm not even sure if it's even important. Just my 2 cents. I usually don't do poetry (or prosetry ^^), but this really grabbed me. :+fav:.

On behalf of :iconselftaughtartist:.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner May 21, 2012   General Artist
First off, thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my work, it means so much to me! :hug:

I'm glad you enjoyed the read enough to find it cool! Yeah well, I didn't really mean for them to be exactly opposite of one another but rather just quite close to that. I'm so happy to hear that!:heart:

Thank you once again, good sir! :thanks:
Reply
:iconnotsousual:
NotSoUsual Featured By Owner May 21, 2012   Digital Artist
My pleasure really. Btw, after a reread I found the line 'So strong, that no amount of tidal waves...' a bit confusing, due to the word 'amount'. Isn't it more common to use 'amount' in this way: 'that any amount of tidal waves couldn't break my walls'... I hope you get what I mean.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner May 21, 2012   General Artist
Hmm, as far as my knowledge of it, I believe it possible to use "no amount" but I do agree that it could sound awkward.
I'll totally think about how to edit this, thanks again!:heart:
Reply
:iconadonael:
Adonael Featured By Owner May 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I like how you played on the idea of a natural disaster, such as when tidal waves became waving hands. Startling impact as well, how you put two contrasting pieces of text, one that is so empowering with another that its binary.

Good show :)
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner May 15, 2012   General Artist
Awh! Thank you!:heart:
It just makes me feel over the moon, seeing others enjoy my work! :hug:
Reply
:iconadonael:
Adonael Featured By Owner May 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
No worries. Glad I could be the proverbial rocket :)

:hug:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner May 18, 2012   General Artist
You definitely were! :giggle:
Thanks again!:heart:
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconsammur-amat: More from Sammur-amat


Featured in Collections

Literature by Quolia

Literature by CelestialMemories

Writ_Rev by slashaholic-666


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
April 21, 2012
File Size
2.2 KB
Submitted with
Sta.sh
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
1,384
Favourites
41 (who?)
Comments
78

License

Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
×