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Literature - General by NotenSMSK

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Submitted on
July 7, 2012
File Size
1.5 KB


21 (who?)


Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
He was just standing there, by the graffiti stained walls of a ghetto parking lot. It did not suit him at all, what with his blanca skin and raven lashes. This man was like a Roman god painting, dreadfully cut and paste unto a poor man's parking lot.

She was six and thought him to be a man of twenty two, just like her eldest cheerleader sister. Teddy bear still in hand and mother still busy searching for her car keys, she stood there, gaze steady, in awe of the young man's beauty.

It came as quite a shock to him when he noticed her eyes sparking, bright and full of life, looking at him. He let out a deep sigh and curled his pointer finger to signal her to come close, and she obeyed.

As she was walking closer, she noticed two more things: first, that this man had radiating white wings and second, diamond-like tears were falling from his eyes. When she asked him why he was crying, he answered, "I'm the person you go to if He finds it is time to bring you home, not just the person who plays pick-up boy, I'm supposed to be there beforehand."

Seconds later a heart wrenching scream was heard, and the little girl's mother was sprawling on the floor. She was bawling her eyes out, picking up her lifeless daughter's body from the floor, blood-drenched. Little girl had become another victim of the neighborhood gang war, shot by gunman with silencer in a moving, heavily tinted vehicle.  
Edited! :la:


~Flash-Fic-Month Day 05

An entirely different take on *SurrealCachinnation's prompt:
"I'm the person you go to if you want someone dead, not the person you go to when someone just died."

Hope you guys enjoy the read! :eager:


Was the story line clear?
Which line did you like/dislike the most?
Was there real impact at any instance?
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The idea of this is absolutely beautiful. I envisioned the story as I read it, and I must say, this would be a wonderful short film. It's not an entirely original idea (there were many cliches evoked, such as the out-of-place-but-beautiful stranger and the innocent-teddy-bear-wielding little girl) but I didn't find that to be too much of an issue, because the way you composed everything was intriguing.

My biggest issue with this story is technique. I am going to begin by saying that the length does not do this story justice; it seems like you're summarizing an event rather than telling a story, and that is reinforced by how many details you tell rather than show. For example, "by the graffiti stained walls of a ghetto parking lot." Rather than telling me the parking lot is "ghetto," you could have gone on to describe that state of it to imply what sort of neighborhood it resides in. Is there trash on the ground? What's the pavement look like? What store is it in front of? What time of year is it? What are the smells, the sounds? Is this in a city? What city? What's the girl's teddy bear look like? Her clothes, her hair? All of these details (and more) would bring more life to the story and eliminate the need for some of the simpler sentences and superfluous descriptive words bogging down the story.

On the subject of too many words: the impact of what the Angel says is dampened by the fact you choose to have him say so much. I can glean from the title, his presence, etcetera what he is doing there. ""I'm the person you go to if He finds it is time to bring you home," on its own would be much more powerful.

There are also places where your voice is too passive; for example, let's take a look at the first sentence. "He was just standing there, by the graffiti stained walls of a ghetto parking lot." That could just as easily read, "He stood beside the graffiti-stained walls," without losing any of its meaning. (I cut out the rest of the sentence because as previously stated, I think it would do you good to expand your descriptions rather than keep the tell-not-show style you've established here).

Finally, the last scene would be greatly aided by expanding it. Right now, I didn't feel much for the mother or the daughter because I don't know anything about them; they're faceless, nameless, and the girl's death is riddled with cliche descriptions. If you really took the time to paint the picture, it would be far more powerful.

A couple more stylistic issues that are of less overall consequence:

"twenty-two" should be hyphenated

"her eldest cheerleader sister" reads awkwardly. Personally, I would just omit 'cheerleader.' It's an unnecessary detail because it doesn't tell me anything about the girl, her family, or how she feels about her sister.

"like a Roman god painting" is an awkward phrase that I would eliminate and replace with a description more relevant to the Christian mythos for the sake of unity.

Overall, this is a story with great potential suffering from a poor application of technique. Really, if you slowed down the pacing, took your time with descriptions, gave the little girl and her mother more depth, and cut out passive wording, this could be something great because the vision is absolutely stunning. Really, really focus on pacing: This story zips past before the reader has a chance to feel anything.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
13 out of 14 deviants thought this was fair.

An interesting work I must say. I somewhat knew what was going to happen, perhaps because I write in the same manner or with the same mindset.

The storyline was clear. It did hold a mysterious feel to it. The fact that he was crying and the wings are not really expected. But when he stated who he was and that he was crying, I realized what was to happen.

There are no favorite lines actually. I am a bit confused. In my opinion, it could have been a lot better. Firstly, I don't understand:

"It did not suit him at all, what with his blanca skin and raven lashes."

The "what" seems wrong here but I wonder if it is a... sort of an expression since I would not expect such mistake from you.

Then... the statement about her thinking he was 22... it was not needed in my opinion. It seems to be just there. Then there was the confusion that in 2nd para it starts with "she" and turns to "he" in third but that is no major issue.

The last portion... of her being a victim of a gang war and the mentioned car somewhat disappointed me as an ending. I would have preferred it to end with the flight or tears of the Angel. That might be me.

I would disagree with the previous critique (I usually don't read them but the rating confused me) that the pacing is wrong. The pacing felt fine but the ending and the "he" "she" transformation put me off.

The impact was when the angel talks. It just felt that way for me.

So over all a fine work but with a lot of room for improvement.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

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travelgirlxx Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2013
Mmmm. Love.
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2013   General Artist
you! :tighthug:
silvergabetha834 Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Professional General Artist
beautiful and poignant. I love your description of the beautiful angel.. as if the beauty in life is so much more important than its quick, messy end.
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2013   General Artist
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my work, I truly appreciate it! :hug:
I, too, adore the way you've just worded your understanding, you're quite a lovely being <3
silvergabetha834 Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2013  Professional General Artist
awww you're making me blush.
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013   General Artist
Tee hee (:
aldwarke Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012
A chilling story. You gave a good twist to the ending by leading us on (or at least me) to think it would be the mother who would cop it.
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012   General Artist
Thank you so very much for taking the time to read my piece and offer me such positive feedback.
I truly appreciate your kindness, dear friend! :huggle:
autumnlit Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2012
So sad and moving, nicely done. I like how mysterious this started out as. I really like how you do that. :heart: Great job!
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2012   General Artist
Thank you to infinity and beyond lovely, for taking the time to read my work and provide me with such humbling feedback. I am overwhelmed with happiness:heart:
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