An interesting work I must say. I somewhat knew what was going to happen, perhaps because I write in the same manner or with the same mindset.

The storyline was clear. It did hold a mysterious feel to it. The fact that he was crying and the wings are not really expected. But when he stated who he was and that he was crying, I realized what was to happen.

There are no favorite lines actually. I am a bit confused. In my opinion, it could have been a lot better. Firstly, I don't understand:

"It did not suit him at all, what with his blanca skin and raven lashes."

The "what" seems wrong here but I wonder if it is a... sort of an expression since I would not expect such mistake from you.

Then... the statement about her thinking he was 22... it was not needed in my opinion. It seems to be just there. Then there was the confusion that in 2nd para it starts with "she" and turns to "he" in third but that is no major issue.

The last portion... of her being a victim of a gang war and the mentioned car somewhat disappointed me as an ending. I would have preferred it to end with the flight or tears of the Angel. That might be me.

I would disagree with the previous critique (I usually don't read them but the rating confused me) that the pacing is wrong. The pacing felt fine but the ending and the "he" "she" transformation put me off.

The impact was when the angel talks. It just felt that way for me.

So over all a fine work but with a lot of room for improvement.

The idea of this is absolutely beautiful. I envisioned the story as I read it, and I must say, this would be a wonderful short film. It's not an entirely original idea (there were many cliches evoked, such as the out-of-place-but-beautiful stranger and the innocent-teddy-bear-wielding little girl) but I didn't find that to be too much of an issue, because the way you composed everything was intriguing.

My biggest issue with this story is technique. I am going to begin by saying that the length does not do this story justice; it seems like you're summarizing an event rather than telling a story, and that is reinforced by how many details you tell rather than show. For example, "by the graffiti stained walls of a ghetto parking lot." Rather than telling me the parking lot is "ghetto," you could have gone on to describe that state of it to imply what sort of neighborhood it resides in. Is there trash on the ground? What's the pavement look like? What store is it in front of? What time of year is it? What are the smells, the sounds? Is this in a city? What city? What's the girl's teddy bear look like? Her clothes, her hair? All of these details (and more) would bring more life to the story and eliminate the need for some of the simpler sentences and superfluous descriptive words bogging down the story.

On the subject of too many words: the impact of what the Angel says is dampened by the fact you choose to have him say so much. I can glean from the title, his presence, etcetera what he is doing there. ""I'm the person you go to if He finds it is time to bring you home," on its own would be much more powerful.

There are also places where your voice is too passive; for example, let's take a look at the first sentence. "He was just standing there, by the graffiti stained walls of a ghetto parking lot." That could just as easily read, "He stood beside the graffiti-stained walls," without losing any of its meaning. (I cut out the rest of the sentence because as previously stated, I think it would do you good to expand your descriptions rather than keep the tell-not-show style you've established here).

Finally, the last scene would be greatly aided by expanding it. Right now, I didn't feel much for the mother or the daughter because I don't know anything about them; they're faceless, nameless, and the girl's death is riddled with cliche descriptions. If you really took the time to paint the picture, it would be far more powerful.

A couple more stylistic issues that are of less overall consequence:

"twenty-two" should be hyphenated

"her eldest cheerleader sister" reads awkwardly. Personally, I would just omit 'cheerleader.' It's an unnecessary detail because it doesn't tell me anything about the girl, her family, or how she feels about her sister.

"like a Roman god painting" is an awkward phrase that I would eliminate and replace with a description more relevant to the Christian mythos for the sake of unity.


Overall, this is a story with great potential suffering from a poor application of technique. Really, if you slowed down the pacing, took your time with descriptions, gave the little girl and her mother more depth, and cut out passive wording, this could be something great because the vision is absolutely stunning. Really, really focus on pacing: This story zips past before the reader has a chance to feel anything.