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             can you hear my muted, mutant screams?
                   

      it is in a form of cry shriveling up my lungs

                  leaking foam from my parted lips and panting tongue

              drying up my eyes and making me collapse
                                   (in the coal mines of my mind, all the goddamn time)

                   
                   
             you once said that you had heard my voice

      being whispered in the evening winds
           
                        carried by the cooing doves
                                 
                  like my name was your song
                        (forever calling to lost loves)

                  until the last stretch of its infinitely looped three-minute play
                     

             i held unto false hope, every step of the way
Free verse :heart:

Title taken from a line from Fall Out Boy's
"I'm like a lawyer with the way I'm always trying to get you off"
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COMMENTS ARE ALWAYS, ALWAYS LOVED!! :eager:
PLEASE AND THANK YOU!! :love:
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Critique:
Which line/s did you like the least?
Which line/s did you like the most?
Was the poem too lengthy or too short or just right?
Additional comments :la:
Add a Comment:
 
:iconbrokengod--veins:
brokengod--veins Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
dat fallout boy song <3

me and you
setting in a honeymoon
if I woke up next to you
if I woke up next to you :)))
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2013   General Artist
IKR <3 <3 <3
Reply
:iconchancerox:
chancerox Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
asdfhgjkljo;kp'
;khljvjasdgrdhxf
fall out boy. :heart: ______

(in the coal mines of my mind, all the goddamn time) : this is my favorite line. i love the rhyming. :) 
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013   General Artist
tahnk you so much, i am thrilled to hear that, kind soul. :heart:
Reply
:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2013
The first FOB song I ever liked. :D 
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013   General Artist
ah, really? i'm glad to hear that. :XD:
Reply
:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013
Yep! :D
Reply
:iconlupus-astra:
lupus-astra Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Damn, I love this.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013   General Artist
not as much as ILY though. :heart:
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is awesome, chaotic, and just............wooo. Awesome, awesome. :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013   General Artist
meeep! :heart:
thank you so very much, kind soul, and let me tell you, it is you who is awesome :glomp:
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

:heart:

Ha, my pleasure. :hug: (And thank you for the kind words, as well. :iconbowplz:)

Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013  Student Writer
also, FOB :headbang:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013   General Artist
FOB FTW :heart:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013  Student Writer
"(in the coal mines of my mind, all the goddamn time)"

and "until the last stretch of its infinitely looped three-minute play" :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013   General Artist
thank you infinitely, sweetheart :blowkiss:
Reply
:iconskybirdshadows:
skybirdshadows Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
(in the coal mines of my mind, all the goddamn time)

I really really love that line. so powerful.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013   General Artist
i'm so glad you enjoyed the read, rose darling. :huggle: <3
Reply
:iconladylincoln:
LadyLincoln Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Stay strong, honey.

Love you :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013   General Artist
thank you for always being there, dearest friend. :tighthug:
i love you too, forever and ever and always :heart:
Reply
:iconladylincoln:
LadyLincoln Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Always :heart:
Reply
:iconorphicfiddler:
orphicfiddler Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013
 (in the coal mines of my mind, all the goddamn time)

That is a wicked good line right there.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013   General Artist
thank you exponentially, you lovely, lovely being. :heart:
Reply
:iconnawkaman:
nawkaman Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013
beautiful arrangement that adds an intangibly perfect sense of disarray to the thoughts.  I thought the length was good, and I liked how the rhyme kept the flow tight despite the scattered-ness of the formatting.

I like the word sound of "muted, mutant" but I'm not sure I like mutant in the poem.  It seems out of place; I think what you were going for was more along the lines of animal screams, but that mutant was tempting because of the alliteration.  If you had more meaning with it than that, then by all means ignore me.

Overall this poem is :love:-ly
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013   General Artist
you know, nate, you always hit the nail on the head when it comes to interpreting my work and so how would you ever expect me to skip out on your suggestions? i will most certainly take your words into consideration the next time i'm ready to reopen this piece. thank you forever and ever for being such a sweeteheart and great friend. :tighthug:
Reply
:iconnawkaman:
nawkaman Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2013
You are forever welcome. :)

I am glad you find my twopence of some use, and it is most decidedly you who is the sweetheart!
Reply
:iconbdancinjones:
BDancinJones Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I don't believe I can pick a favorite line; they are all brilliantly well done, and they all fit.  The rhythm in this piece is superb!  Well done indeed!
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013   General Artist
thank you ever so kindly for the humbling comment, darling soul. :huggle:
i am so glad you did not find this piece to be a waste of your time and do hope that you find time again to maybe peruse through my gallery, yes? :eager:
Reply
:iconsebastiangrimm:
SebastianGrimm Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
As always your works are a joy for my eyes! The chaotic visuals and the perfect chaos in this is so utterly fascinating!
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013   General Artist
i can't help but feel utterly humble and thankful for both your kind words and supportive friendship, dear heart. :glomp:
thank you tons and tons. :heart:
Reply
:iconthemoormaiden:
TheMoorMaiden Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I agree with *your-methamphetamine, there's something very chaotic and frantic about this that I really like. As always your imagery is lovely, I love the line: leaking foam from my parted lips and panting tongue :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013   General Artist
thank you so very much for taking the time to read and comment jessie darling. i'm so glad you liked it. :huggle:
Reply
:iconyour-methamphetamine:
your-methamphetamine Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013  Student Writer
i want to read this out loud so very bad.
i love how chaotic it seems. beautiful. <3
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013   General Artist
pleaspleaseplease do? (i'd love you forever plus 2 days since i've always already loved you forever and day) :eager:
thank you so much, cassielove. :heart:
Reply
:iconyour-methamphetamine:
your-methamphetamine Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013  Student Writer
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2013   General Artist
OMG ITS INCREDIDBLE :icontearsofjoyplz:
Reply
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