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i am no artist's muse,
    i am no ship's harbor

         i am no hero's weaker heel,
              i am no good earth's flower


i have never been your lover
nor have i ever kissed you,
- not even once

    though i dream of you (c)love-scented,
    with lips shaped like a lucky (c)lover's-
    kissing you and to be kissed by you
    over and
    over

i can never profess,
not even confess

  note:
    even to myself

i stay standing, (b)raving the cold nights,
pretty much batty and bootless


         yet again,

       the absence of you weighs metric tons on my
     ringing ear,
   shivering nape, and
 repressed shoulder


you dam(n) me with
your body;
you are my river's boulder,
untapped territory,
and undefined border
Free verse poetry :heart:

Your feedback, as always,
is both highly anticipated and appreciated. :la:

COMMENTS ARE ALWAYS, ALWAYS LOVED!! THANK YOU!!:heart:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Critique:
Is the formatting too much of a distraction?
Am I making any sense to you at all?
Two-cents please?
Add a Comment:
 
:icontravelgirlxx:
Critique by travelgirlxx Jan 30, 2013, 7:11:07 PM
I like the formatting...but it might be a bit distracting.

And this:

though i dream of you (c)love-scented,
with lips shaped like a lucky (c)lover's-
kissing you and to be kissed by you
over and
over


is a beautiful image. I had a certain boy stuck in my head, the longing to kiss and share that intimacy with the person you love, while stuck in the fear that you cannot profess nor confess the truth to that person.

Basically: you really hit the nail on the head with this.

And: i am no good earth's flower - I want freaking more of this!!!!!!! This sentiment deserves an entire other poem!! :love:


And here is my argument for keeping the typography (even though I still say it's a bit distracting):

the final stanza:

you dam(n) me with
your body;
you are my river's boulder,
untapped territory,
and undefined border


The image burned so gorgeously in my brain by the typography play in this final stanza is fabulous. I mean: perfect.

I love this piece; can't wait to see its edits!! :D
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
this is my favorite poem of yours... i can't tell you how many times i've read it <3
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2013   General Artist
Ack. :love: Thank you so so much for making my weekend, sweetheart! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2013   General Artist
:heart: :heart: :heart:
Reply
:iconavalonfang4:
Avalonfang4 Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2013
Love the flow, although the (letter) confused me a bit. Still, very straight forward in a good way.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2013   General Artist
Thank you so much, double meanings, you see XD
I'm so happy to hear you've enjoyed the read! :heart:
Reply
:iconavalonfang4:
Avalonfang4 Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013
Yeah, it made sense once I figured it out. ^_x
Welcome, keep up the great work!
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013   General Artist
I'm glad, then XD
:glomp:
Reply
:iconactsofart:
ActsofArt Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
brilliant play on words! I think the formatting helps it along and it makes perfect sense.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013   General Artist
I'm so very happy you think so! Thank you muchly, lovely! :huggle:
Reply
:iconwordeea:
wordeea Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Feat - ici/here : [link] :snowflake:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013   General Artist
THank you so very kindly, lovely lady! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconlombregrise:
lombregrise Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Professional Writer
TAG! you've been tweeted by the fortress ! [link]

:iconnotreforteressebrule:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012   General Artist
Oh wow! Thank you mon ami :heart:
Reply
:iconyour-methamphetamine:
your-methamphetamine Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012  Student Writer
you're my muse.
<3
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012   General Artist
just as you're mine <3 <3 <3
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012
you dam(n) me with
your body;
you are my river's boulder,
untapped territory,
and undefined border


Beautiful. :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012   General Artist
<3 <3 <3
Reply
:iconlearningtobefree:
learningtobefree Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2012  Student Writer
this is system-shocking
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012   General Artist
Thank you so much, sweetheart <3
Reply
:icondygyt-alice:
Dygyt-Alice Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You are making very good sense and I so hope others understand and not get confused by the title. Beautiful poem and the way it is written was not a problem for me to read. It seemed more to follow the story line the way it was displayed.

Dygyt Alice
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2012   General Artist
Thank you ever so kindly for your time and thoughtful words. :hug:
I am truly humbled by your opinion of this piece. :heart:
Reply
:icondygyt-alice:
Dygyt-Alice Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I have always loved Poetry and Reading and am so glad to see people still know how to write them so well. I am glad Danny let me be a part of her group otherwise I never would have read the piece.

Dygyt Alice
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012   General Artist
Gosh, I am so very humbled and red and happy right now! :blush:
Thank you so much for your high regard of my work, you darling, darling creature! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
The format is beautiful it gives SO MUCH to the flow of the poem (which is beautiful).
It makes perfect sense. It's so clever!
Poems like this are the reason I have such a hard time doing fixed poetry ;<
This is wonderful <3
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2012   General Artist
Awwh! :blush: Thank you so very much for just being so sweet and kind and just making me smile at the screen like a fool! :tighthug:
I usually enjoy the challenge that fixed form brings but right now my life is way too hectic to piece poetry together. Then again, because my life is hectic do I need to release in words, and so, free verse it is, for now. :giggle:
YOU'RE wonderful! :heart:
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:huggle:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012   General Artist
<3 <3 <3
Reply
:icongarnetroze:
garnetroze Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012
I think the formatting adds to the emotional up and down found withing the poem. This is very beautifully written I think you have nothing to worry about my dear! Good job on such a profound piece of written art. :D
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2012   General Artist
I'm so very glad you find it so! :love:
Thank you so very much for taking the time to tell me with such kind words, too! :huggle:
Reply
:icongarnetroze:
garnetroze Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2012
You're very welcome dear. I figured that you deserved to know just how much I enjoyed your piece of work! :hug:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012   General Artist
Awwh! So sweet of you! :love:
Thank again! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012
I 'get' and love the formatting.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012   General Artist
Gosh! Thank you so much for the kind words! :heart:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Student Writer
Ooooh, that ending sold it for me. I wasn't sure how I felt about the piece up until that point, and it brought it together quite nicely. :clap:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012   General Artist
Well, I'm quite happy to hear that then, sugar! :giggle:
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on my piece, you must know how much I value your opinion by now, right? :heart:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Student Writer
Oh goodness I'm baffled as to why, but I'm honored, truly. :blush: :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012   General Artist
Because your words are beautiful and special and so are you, very much so, in fact. :tighthug:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012  Student Writer
asdfghjklalala I love you and thank you very much. :heart: You're quite a character yourself and I enjoy all of our exchanges.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012   General Artist
Eeeeeeee! I love you toooooo! :tighthug:
I am so delighted to hear that that, darling! :love:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Is the formatting too much of a distraction?
It is not - it gives this work an artistic gait.
Am I making any sense to you at all?
If sense is referring to your associating yourself as a clover - loved, deeply admired by the person whom you are musing, and to whom you want to confess your deepest secrets because that person means the world to you - then yes, you've done well :)
Two-cents please?
I don't have change, or else I'd have given you a dime for your time.

Overall, well done. Keep posting. :)

And... on a side note:

though i dream of you (c)love-scented,
with lips shaped like a lucky (c)lover's-
kissing you and to be kissed by you
over and
over


Reminded me a lot of Samuel Beckett's "Four Cascandos", the second part. You should read it, you'll like it.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012   General Artist
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on my work, dear, I so appreciate it! :huggle:

Reading Cascandos gave me quite the sense of de javu which could only mean that I must have read it some time ago but just can't remember when. Thank you so much and wow, your knowledge in poetry is magnificent. :love:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
*blushing* your welcome, my friend :)

Really? Wow... thanks :)

My knowledge of poetry is... its just there; its not something to speak of much...
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012   General Artist
But it is quite something special actually :heart:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I guess... thanks, much appreciated...
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012   General Artist
:tighthug:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:)

Say, if I asked you to read one of my works, would you take it into consideration?
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012   General Artist
It'd be my pleasure, darling! :hug:
I've actually been meaning to go through your gallery for quite sometime, just waiting for Christmas break to begin is all. :giggle:
Can you suggest the first two pieces I should read? :la:
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconis-lnds:
Is-lnds Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012
while all of this is
put together well -

i am no hero's weaker heel,
i am no good earth's flower


stood out the most. those two lines
it flows fine, formatting doesn't hurt it.
it makes complete sense. clever wordplay
too. how long did it take to write this?
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012   General Artist
I'm glad you enjoyed the read, lovely person. :hug:
Thank you for your kind words, too. :heart:
Hmm, about an hour, give or take, though expect it to keep morphing within the initial 24 hours of posting. Many of my pieces flow that way, actually. :giggle:
Reply
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