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:iconsammur-amat: More from Sammur-amat


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Submitted on
December 15, 2012
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i am no artist's muse,
    i am no ship's harbor

         i am no hero's weaker heel,
              i am no good earth's flower


i have never been your lover
nor have i ever kissed you,
- not even once

    though i dream of you (c)love-scented,
    with lips shaped like a lucky (c)lover's-
    kissing you and to be kissed by you
    over and
    over

i can never profess,
not even confess

  note:
    even to myself

i stay standing, (b)raving the cold nights,
pretty much batty and bootless


         yet again,

       the absence of you weighs metric tons on my
     ringing ear,
   shivering nape, and
 repressed shoulder


you dam(n) me with
your body;
you are my river's boulder,
untapped territory,
and undefined border
Free verse poetry :heart:

Your feedback, as always,
is both highly anticipated and appreciated. :la:

COMMENTS ARE ALWAYS, ALWAYS LOVED!! THANK YOU!!:heart:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Critique:
Is the formatting too much of a distraction?
Am I making any sense to you at all?
Two-cents please?
Add a Comment:
 
:icontravelgirlxx:
Critique by travelgirlxx Jan 30, 2013, 7:11:07 PM
I like the formatting...but it might be a bit distracting.

And this:

though i dream of you (c)love-scented,
with lips shaped like a lucky (c)lover's-
kissing you and to be kissed by you
over and
over


is a beautiful image. I had a certain boy stuck in my head, the longing to kiss and share that intimacy with the person you love, while stuck in the fear that you cannot profess nor confess the truth to that person.

Basically: you really hit the nail on the head with this.

And: i am no good earth's flower - I want freaking more of this!!!!!!! This sentiment deserves an entire other poem!! :love:


And here is my argument for keeping the typography (even though I still say it's a bit distracting):

the final stanza:

you dam(n) me with
your body;
you are my river's boulder,
untapped territory,
and undefined border


The image burned so gorgeously in my brain by the typography play in this final stanza is fabulous. I mean: perfect.

I love this piece; can't wait to see its edits!! :D
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Apr 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
this is my favorite poem of yours... i can't tell you how many times i've read it <3
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Apr 12, 2013   General Artist
Ack. :love: Thank you so so much for making my weekend, sweetheart! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconhfeather53:
Hfeather53 Apr 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Apr 27, 2013   General Artist
:heart: :heart: :heart:
Reply
:iconavalonfang4:
Love the flow, although the (letter) confused me a bit. Still, very straight forward in a good way.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Jan 22, 2013   General Artist
Thank you so much, double meanings, you see XD
I'm so happy to hear you've enjoyed the read! :heart:
Reply
:iconavalonfang4:
Yeah, it made sense once I figured it out. ^_x
Welcome, keep up the great work!
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Jan 24, 2013   General Artist
I'm glad, then XD
:glomp:
Reply
:iconactsofart:
ActsofArt Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
brilliant play on words! I think the formatting helps it along and it makes perfect sense.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Jan 4, 2013   General Artist
I'm so very happy you think so! Thank you muchly, lovely! :huggle:
Reply
Add a Comment: