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scribbling down vicious verses on
tissue napkins while seated at
the corner of a sidewalk cafe is
about as romantic, raw and
honest a p(o)et
  -outside of the four corners of your bedpost-
can get

if you've got that person dreading over
drafts and dreams on end
  -of you, for you-
consider yourself a new owner
it is now time to
tame this p(o)et's perverse mane
you've got your hands on
a fragile purebred
which can be very tricky for
first timers
Free Verse :love:

Read by the ever amazing *disrhythmic over HERE: [link]
I WOULD SUPER LOVE TO SEE COMMENTS, THANK YOU!! :eager:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Critique:
Is the poem's length acceptable enough?
What do you think of the flow?
Favorite line?
Additional comments :la:
Add a Comment:
 
:icongwenvar:
Gwenvar Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013   General Artist
The last line breaks the basic flow excellently, and makes int unique! Congrats.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2013   General Artist
ah, thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on my work, lovely soul :huggle: <3
Reply
:icongwenvar:
Gwenvar Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2013   General Artist
Anytime! :)
Reply
:icontheforsakengoddess:
TheForsakenGoddess Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2013
I think i like best of all the idea behind the poem :)

The flow is wonderful- smooth enough to keep you reading on in a steady beat but just rough enough to make you look back and REALLY read it- inbetween all the little cracks and crevices of the words that are just as important as its entirety.

I think it's nice that it's split in two- i feel that each side carries, collectively, a separate message of their own, and because of the harmonious individuality between them, i can't say either one is more favoured above the other

I also think the length is fine :)
Though I myself don't really care about length so much ^^;
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2013   General Artist
Ack. :heart:
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and leave me such kind words, lovely person! :glomp:
Reply
:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2013  Professional Writer
Loved it. Love the pet/poet and the idea of how much we little artists need to be cared for... love LOVE the flow, it's snappy and fast and almost like a little beat going through my head. I saw all the images clearly, specifically the scribbling in sidewalk cafes.

Also, I have to say, I <3 Alliteration forever.

I wonder if this is how my husband feels about me sometimes? Anyway, I think you captured it brilliantly.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2013   General Artist
Eeee, I'm thrilled to know you've enjoyed the piece so much, lovely lady! :love:
You should give a listen to *disrhythmic's reading of this (can be found in my comment box below the piece itself), it's absolutely brilliant! :heart:

Haha, I bet it is! :giggle:
Thank you so very kindly for your humbling words of praise! :huggle:
Reply
:iconwingz69:
WiNGz69 Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013  Student Writer
I have no words to convey how much I love this poem. I felt as if I was smitten to my knees and now await that final blow that'll take me away to some poetic paradise of your own construct. It was fun, romantic and beautiful.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013   General Artist
Thank you so very kindly, dear friend! :heart:
I'm so glad you enjoyed the read! :glomp:
Reply
:iconskybirdshadows:
skybirdshadows Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
i really like this! It's really grounded for a romantic poem, which is different. I think that the flow fits the style really well, being split up and fast paced. I hope that's what you were going for, cause I liked it! My favourite line is definitely "it is now time to tame this p(o)et's perverse mane"
overall, excellent metaphor.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013   General Artist
that's exactly what i was going for! you are beyond awesome, you know that? <3 <3 <3
Reply
:iconskybirdshadows:
skybirdshadows Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
wow! thank you so much. i was just being honest. you are pretty amazing yourself! :)
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013   General Artist
agshsjhdgdj!! :iconnouplz: :heart:
Reply
:iconlombregrise:
lombregrise Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Professional Writer
Nice reading :rose:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013   General Artist
*disrhythmic does indeed have a deliriously beautiful voice :heart:
Reply
:iconlombregrise:
lombregrise Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Professional Writer
I know - ;)
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013   General Artist
<3
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013
Deeeeeee. :heart: I love this!

Could I read this for Elocutionists, pretty please? :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013   General Artist
Could you? I would be absolutely honored if you would kindly read this humble piece of poetry, dizzylove! :love:
Pretty please with whipped cream and cherries on top? :heart:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013
Here it is! [link]

Hope you like it, love. :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013   General Artist
:icongahplz: Like it?
I LOVE IT!! :iconbeatingheartplz:
Thank you so, so much for reading this aloud, dizzylove! You are just so many kinds of wonderful, you know that? :tighthug:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013
Up! [link]

Mind adding the link to the description for me? :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013   General Artist
Done and done, lady love :heart:

Thanks again for being sooo amazing! :glomp:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013
:heart:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013
YAY. :heart: :squee: :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013   General Artist
:iconrubcheeksplz:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Student Writer
So very, very true. :laughing: I love these pieces about loving poets, because they're so universal. I've been working on one myself. The only other one I can remember at the moment on dA is a sad one--nine reasons why you should never love a poet. Anyway, love this. :clap:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013   General Artist
ikr. is it done? i would love to take a looksee as you should know how much i adore your poetry. :love:
sounds familiar, who wrote it? :eager:
thank you muchly, mahal. :heart:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Student Writer
:huggle: Far from, but I hope to be able to share it with you soon.

By ~369dreamergirl. Here: [link]

Always a pleasure Dee. :heart::heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013   General Artist
Do give me a heads-up once you post, for I would surely love to read :tighthug:
I shall go and check their profile out, stat! :la:
Thanks again! :heart: :heart: :heart:
Reply
:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013  Student Writer
Definitely. :huggle:
Reply
:iconcionie:
Cionie Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Professional General Artist
Oh this is just brilliant! I love the way you used the combination of poet and pet as interchangeable and, as someone who scribbles on napkins at sidewalk cafes, I could definitely relate :p

I like the length, I don't think it needs to be any longer as it appears to have an open ending.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013   General Artist
Thank you so much for all your precious words and the time you took to write them down for me to read. Thank you for the smile I am now wearing on my face due to your kindness and good deed (not to mention sharing with me how you can relate. <3)

You're quite the wonderful being! :glomp:
Reply
:iconcionie:
Cionie Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013  Professional General Artist
Not a problem! It was a pleasurable read :)
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013   General Artist
:heart:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I love your wordplay. This is so so beautiful dear :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013   General Artist
Awwh, I must believe that then since you are the queen of beautiful, after all. :love:
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:iconpuppyglompplz:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013   General Artist
:iconsealglompplz:
Reply
:iconjaybird101:
Jaybird101 Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013
It's all good, but I love that first stanza...bravo :)
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013   General Artist
Thank you muchly, dear friend. :heart:
Reply
:iconjaybird101:
Jaybird101 Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013
Of course :)
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013   General Artist
:hug:
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I like the rhythm of this, especially here:

if you've got that person dreading over
drafts and dreams on end
-of you, for you-
consider yourself a new owner


the 'o' in parenthesis is very aesthetically pleasing :)

definitely an interesting and fun piece.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013   General Artist
As always, as ever, I thank you so much for your humbling words and always helpful critique, darling gravity :hug:
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
anytime, Sammur :hug:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013   General Artist
<3 <3 <3
Reply
:iconozzla:
ozzla Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013   Writer
Even how short it is, I'm still left with a warm and fuzzy feeling :heart: Flow-wise, I'm going to nit-pick about those dashes... perhaps I'm not used to seeing them in poetry but indenting would be easier to read.

I've got two favourite lines:
"outside of the four corners of your bedpost" because it's so true, and
"a fragile purebred / which can be tricky for / first timers".
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013   General Artist
Thank you so much for your warm and humbling comments, imouto :huggle:
You're all class, all the time :heart:

The fragile purebred is both my favorite as well as apparently reader's choice XD
I'm so very glad :la:

Thanks again, sweetheart! You are super! :love:
Reply
:iconozzla:
ozzla Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013   Writer
:love:

And tomorrow I'll make time to muster up some ideas for the chorus of our Lysistrata piece.
Reply
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