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:iconsammur-amat: More from Sammur-amat


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Submitted on
November 4, 2012
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i. so today we get together
   as per your request
   today you (at last) confess to me

   i watch you narrate

   the e.e. cummings you've
   kept chained in your rhythm,
   in your beats and paces and all other nooks
   and crooks
   and hidden places

   i've secretly always known existed


   i want you to start writing today



ii. you tell me you believe
    in your ability
    to write the words i always knew you whispered;
    steaming at the hearts of other girls
    turning them to froth
    while i watch my own heart
    shrivel like dregs
    in the same cup of cappuccino

    i've always been drinking off drought



iii. i am screaming even in my softest tissues
     blaming my body for my hearts' issues

     admit to me
     (your best blue jeans and bravery set forth)
     read me unspoken
     find it futile to resist (dear me)
     by grace you do and you do
     admit to me
     my meth, my myth
     how (i never have the courage to say)

     i am your greatest muse

     forever
     
     regardless of where and which roads

     
     i want you to start writing today



iv. so today we get together
    after forever being stuck
    in a brother-sister-best-friend situation

    we are still so young
    not in the least bit lacking in naivete

    spiking our taffy tongues
    scraping our cherry hearts



v. i want to be able to relive

   these very minutes
   as they are happening and as
   i am thinking them to my self
   the redness and dampness of my cheeks
   and you, with your ever calloused hands
   hold and kiss my face- save for my lips
   (for you too, are afraid of retribution)
   full with utter inexpressible devotion

   i want you to write me
   the greatest love story ever written
   and


   i want you to start writing today
Free Verse:heart:

Your feedback, as always,
is both highly anticipated and appreciated. :love:

COMMENTS ARE ALWAYS, ALWAYS LOVED!! THANK YOU!!:heart:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Critique:
Which line did you like the least?
Which line did you like the most?
Two-cents please?
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:iconlombregrise:
lombregrise Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Professional Writer
:rose:
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012   General Artist
:iconbouquetplz:
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:iconphillipskid32:
phillipskid32 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
least favorite first, in a brother-sister-best-friend situation, I just think the relationship could have been described in a hmm, less cliche sort of way. Other then that line I thought everything else was exceptional.
My favorite line was,"steaming at the hearts of other girls". This line Makes me think that this guy is 1.as a woman would say"dreamy", and 2.Writes(or says) very, very good poetry. I don't know how to describe it, but from that line on, this piece just started tugging on the strings to my heart :heart: and not letting go. It's quite amazing, and really a poem you should be proud of.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012   General Artist
First off, thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my work, I really appreciate it! :hug:
I spent too long trying to find a better way to reword that bit in vain. So yeah, in this way it shall stay- for now. :XD:
I'm so glad you like that line, lovely person. You got the succeeding emotions right on queue, too:heart:
Again, thank you so very much for leaving me with such lovely words of kindness, dear one. I hope someone makes your day as bright as you've just made mine<3
Reply
:iconamanda-graham:
Amanda-Graham Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Professional Writer
guy? it'a a guy? god i am gender blind (laffs.slightly) oh damn ... (not.me.then) -.0

i love your work you know that (smile)
Reply
:iconphillipskid32:
phillipskid32 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ha, I've done the same thing before reading poems and even prose sometimes. Mostly just when I wasn't invested enough in what I was reading.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
adjkghsjgsalk I love the way this is told. I think every writer needs another. I love the way you split this up, and really, just all of it, it warms my heart :heart:
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012   General Artist
Thank you so very kindly, madpie! I am absolutely humbled by your lovely, lovely words of praise:heart:
YOU really warm my heart! :iconlaloveplz:
Reply
:iconwregular:
wregular Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012
Disclaimer: I know basically nothing about poetry, except I know what I like.

Overall I love this and I'm glad I found it.

Favorite single line: "i've always been drinking off drought." It's revealing and ambiguous at the same time.

Favorite section: "we are still so young
not in the least bit lacking in naivete

spiking our taffy tongues
scraping our cherry hearts "

Very evocative of a certain time and age and state of mind.

Least favorite line: "too full with utter inexpressible devotion." I don't know. It just feels like too much. I (think I) understand what you're trying to put across with it but it seems excessively dramatic. I do like "too full" (because it's thought-provoking: having too much of something, in this context, shouldn't be a source of fear, but it so often is) but beyond that...
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012   General Artist
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on my work, I truly appreciate it! :hug:

Edited! :la:
I hope you approve of it a bit more now, dear one. :eager:
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