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i. together tonight
   you lay with me by the bay
   bay moon reflecting
   sun's light
   onto the serendipitous
   sorceress sea
   have your way with me

   it is as if
   a billion strings of
   precious pearls
   lustrous luminous
   lined up just for us
   to watch in wonder  

   there seems to be
   a storm ahead
   as cloudy skies show
   no sign of starlight
   though
   if we get lucky
   we might tonight
   discover   
   our firefly friends
   as they flutter
   by the ferns
   flickering their flames
   in pretty synchronicity

   just as my ocean eyes
   reflect the light
   from your face
   your fingers trace
   tiny heart shapes on
   my destitute decollete
   
   your love is colored
   tugboat red
   I resemble the selkie
   masthead
   wave upon thrashing wave
   we are sailing in waters
   uncharted

ii. together tonight
    you lay with me by the bay
    bay moon reflecting
    sun's light
    onto the serendipitous
    sorceress sea
    have your way with me

    it was by sorceress sea
    that this all began
    yet I know this to be
    a dream from which
    I am yet to stir
    I am but of wretched relation
    a cursed love-child
    of Freyja and Aegir
    
    by your ember-filled embrace
    I become magical again
    my worries you erase
    and I should on you
    cast my final spell
    before you could set me free
    I would bind you to me
    
    and in the hollow
    of my clavicle
    there is warmth aglow
    an aftermath
    a testament
    to your
    butterfly kisses
    
    as you trail my neck
    ruthlessly
    I imagine your lips
    whispering to my
    carotid artery
    a promise of forever
    of unending tomorrows
EDITED AGAIN! :la:

Free Verse:heart:

Let this be my missed NaPoWriMo day 19.:dummy:

By the way this is entirely made up. Aside from those being real Norse god names, the idea of selkies being cursed love-children is entirely my sick brain's concoction. :XD:
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I WOULD SUPER LOVE TO SEE COMMENTS, THANK YOU!!:heart:
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Critiques:
Which lines did you like the least?
Which lines did you like the most?
What do you think of the flow?
Was the poem too lengthy or too short or just right?
Additional comments :D
Add a Comment:
 
:iconsusurrousity:
Critique by susurrousity Jun 9, 2012, 11:46:43 PM
something i adore about you is that you helpfully put lots of critique ideas into your comments! probably something you learned from #theWrittenRevolution, yes? :heart:

which lines did you like the least?
tough question. i can honestly say i like it all (: the only thing i would comment on is the line lengths in your third stanza - it feels a tad bit disjointed in comparison to the rest of the piece? this bit in particular, i think, would benefit from less playing with the [enter] key:
discover / our firefly friends / as they / flutter / by the ferns

BUT. i still adore it, and will continue to do so whether or not you change it (:

which lines did you like the most?
- onto the serendipitous / sorceress sea
- my destitute decollete
- the. entire. last. verse. it's so wonderful, really.

what do you think of the flow?
i already commented on this with the "least favourite lines" part (:

was the poem too lengthy or too short or just right?
i really liked the length! well done!

ahhh can't wait to continue critiquing these. you're a wonderful poet :heart:
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012
Oh god, you have no clue (or perhaps some clue, come to think of it) how big of a sucker I am for oceans and love songs and just. god. I love this. This is amazing, you are amazing, and "the serendipitous sorceress sea" is -amazing-. :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012   General Artist
I certainly do. I'm a sucker for sea songs and love songs too. :heart:
Eeeee! I'm thrilled you're thrilled, dizzylove! :love:
Thank you so very kindly for your loveliness, really, and it is you who is beautiful beyond words. :tighthug:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012
Oh stop it, Dee, you're far too sweet. :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2012   General Artist
CAN'T. YOU DESERVE MOAR, YOU SEE. :iconepiclaplz:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2012
:iconsnuggleplz: Nuh-uh. :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012   General Artist
YUH HUH :iconexplodelaplz:
Reply
:iconautumnlit:
autumnlit Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012
I love the way this flows, almost like a song, a sea hymn. :heart: Beautiful work! ^^
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012   General Artist
Thank you so much, darling! :huggle:
That is such a beautiful depiction. :love:
Reply
:iconautumnlit:
autumnlit Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012
You're welcome ^^
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012   General Artist
:heart:
Reply
:iconcelestialmemories:
CelestialMemories Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh gosh this is so beautiful!! :star:


This seemed like a practice piece, I could see so many different styles being viewed in this piece! It was very enjoyable, almost like a song! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012   General Artist
Awwh! :blush: Thank you so much, Kali heart! :love:

It was more of an experimental one, yes :heart:

:tighthug:
Reply
:iconcelestialmemories:
CelestialMemories Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hehe! You're welcome!
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012   General Artist
XD
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
a very nice cadence to this and some beautiful imagery.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012   General Artist
Thank you so very kindly, lovely! :heart:
I'm so glad you find it so! :tighthug:
Reply
:icon0hgravity:
0hgravity Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
welcome :D
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012   General Artist
:blowkiss:
Reply
:iconconcora:
Concora Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2012   Writer
Your stunning work has been featured in my journal! :love:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2012   General Artist
Oh wow, thank you ever so much! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconconcora:
Concora Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012   Writer
Oh, I absolutely adore this! Beautiful work. :heart: your love is colored / tugboat red would actually have to be my favourite of the whole piece. Such a vivid image flawlessly entwined with the rest of the ocean metaphors.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012   General Artist
First off, thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my work, I truly appreciate it! :huggle:
Knowing that somebody has enjoyed a bit of my writing makes me so very much over the moon with joy! Thank you, darling! :love:
Reply
:iconconcora:
Concora Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2012   Writer
It's my pleasure - you are most welcome! :heart:
Reply
:iconsusurrousity:
susurrousity Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2012  Student Writer
hey :heart: you have been featured here my dear (: [link]
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2012   General Artist
Oh wow! Thank you so much, sugar! I am incredibly humbled! :huggle:
Reply
:iconsusurrousity:
susurrousity Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2012  Student Writer
:tighthug:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2012   General Artist
:heart:
Reply
:iconnovectors:
novectors Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2012  Professional General Artist
this is a lovely piece of work...

however, it's so vivid, it sent me into a spontaneous daydream-state (something that's never happened to me before!)...

I refuse to offer further comment,
on the grounds that it might incriminate me...
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2012   General Artist
Haha, well thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed the read. :giggle:

Thank you so much for the continuous support, it is much appreciated!:heart:
Reply
:iconjujutsu:
Jujutsu Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
"just as my ocean eyes
reflect the light
from your face
your fingers trace
tiny heart shapes on
my destitute decollete"

Did you know if a love poem doesn't absolutely sweep me off my feet, I won't favorite it? If I could favorite Annabelle Lee, I would. Instead, I recite it in the car when I miss my beloved. This line is beautiful. I could see myself reciting it if I committed it to memory, for that rainy day when I miss him.

This poem is beautiful. Such delicacy and grace you expose the beauty of something far deeper than "sex."

GAWD you're so talented.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2012   General Artist
Do you that if I could, I would jump into my laptop screen and out of yours just to give you a bear hug?:heart:

Why are you so lovely? :tighthug:

Thank you so much for making me blush to death. :blush:
Reply
:iconjujutsu:
Jujutsu Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
And I would accept it warmly. :hug:

Blush to death? It really takes "kill 'em with kindness" to a whole new level, eh?
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2012   General Artist
Read my thoughts exactly :lol:
Reply
:iconkj-illustration:
KJ-Illustration Featured By Owner May 31, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
As requested :heart: My humble critque;

Which lines did you like the least?
I can't really say there wasn't a line I didn't like (: At first read I had a little bit of a hesitation on the line 'have your way with me', for a moment it felt too harsh/strong (can't find the right word exactly) for the overall dreamy-like qualiy of the piece - BUT, when I read it again, whispering semi-out loud to myself, it felt exactly right when I gave a pause and then read it - so, no negative words from me about it anymore!
Which lines did you like the most?
Oooh, difficult one! There are many parts I love the imagery of; but if I had to choose, I absolutely loved the part about the fireflies - just magical!
What do you think of the flow?
Brilliant! Even though you use no capitals or punctuation, the tempo is perfect and reads almost like a legend or some sort of magical fairytale (:
Was the poem too lengthy or too short or just right?
Just right, don't change one stanza! It started beautifully and pulled me in, and the ending was the perfect dream-like state, it left me with a smile and a warm feeling :love:

Beautiful piece darling, no other words needed! Keep it up! Love your words :hug:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2012   General Artist
Thank you so much Kimmy for taking the time to read and critique:heart:
I too, love your words and I love you! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconkj-illustration:
KJ-Illustration Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Truly my pleasure, Dee :heart: It's a beautiful piece, I enjoyed reading and giving you my humble critique (:
:blowkiss: Same here~!

ps. I'll get back to your note tommorow! :happybounce:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2012   General Artist
:iconsomehugsplz:
Take your time, sugar! :squee:
Reply
:iconforestmeetwildfire:
forestmeetwildfire Featured By Owner May 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Which lines did you like the least?
tough to find, but the line "it was by sorceress sea" kind of bugs me. i understand that if you had written "it was by sea" it would be perfectly fine, but for some reason the addition of sorceress makes me want to see an "a" or "the" before it. maybe it's just me, i get nitpicky about weird things.

Which lines did you like the most?
"our firefly friends
as they
flutter
by the ferns
flickering their flames "
the alliteration is so so great.

" your love is colored
tugboat red"
i don't even know what tugboat red looks like, but it sounds lovely :]

What do you think of the flow?
i think the flow was great, everything followed very smoothly and the rhymes didn't make it choppy (which is something i find happens a lot, but your rhymes fit in perfectly!). also i like how you didn't put punctuation even though your sentences did end here and there, because it gave it an.. i don't know, it was very nice :]

Was the poem too lengthy or too short or just right?
just right! i know that some people (including myself) get bored with long poems, but this captured my attention well enough. and if you made it shorter you would have to cut something out, and i will be very upset if you do so!

all in all, this is so very wonderful and i love all the little techniques like alliteration and inner rhyme and just ah the rhyming is perfect and i usually hate rhyming. this is wonderful. i think i've used that word three times already.
:heart:

(i have never done a critique, i hope it was okay..)
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner May 19, 2012   General Artist
First off, thank you so much for taking the time to read and critique my work, it really means so much to me!:heart:

Haha, I struggled with that line as well, and kept adding and removing the 'the' placed there. I don't know, I might add it again in a bit but I know a few days after I'll be itching to remove it. Till now I feel like tearing my hair off trying to decide. :lmao:

I'm really glad you enjoyed that bit. I think anything I write is still very far from the word great, but thank you and I am ever so humbled! :blush:

While writing this poem aside from the oceanic hues, the two colors that kept popping in my head were navy blue and fire red. Most tugboats that anchor by the bay next to us are in these two colors and white. So tugboat red would refer to fire red, in a flowery way. :giggle:

It makes me so happy to hear that! I find rhyming to be quite a tedious part of most fixed verse poetry forms. When in free verse though, I don't know why but, it just becomes much easier to deal with the rhyming, if any would take place. :la:

I was really worried about the length and so thank you for the feedback. I'm so glad I was able to keep your attention till the end of the piece! I think that's the one of the greatest achievements one can attain in longer poetry, keeping the reader interested! :XD:

I must say I find myself quite happy with the internal rhyme and alliteration in this piece and I'm over the moon knowing you really liked it this much! Thank you for being an absolute doll! :tighthug:

(this critique was fudge awesome! Thank you once again!:heart:)
Reply
:iconforestmeetwildfire:
forestmeetwildfire Featured By Owner May 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
you're very welcome :]
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner May 20, 2012   General Artist
:iconbeatingheartplz:
Reply
:iconwordeea:
wordeea Featured By Owner May 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
love! i like the imagery that you are using and that you made a selkie being the love child of freyja and aegir :nod:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner May 14, 2012   General Artist
I'm really happy that you enjoyed the piece, the imagery here was really fun for me to do!:heart:
Sometimes, I come up with half-baked ideas, mostly though, I tend to burn 'em. :XD:
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment! :love:
Reply
:iconwordeea:
wordeea Featured By Owner May 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
my pleasure!
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner May 14, 2012   General Artist
:hug:
Reply
:iconthird-person:
Third-person Featured By Owner May 11, 2012
Powerful stuff.
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner May 11, 2012   General Artist
Thank you for the comment, I'm glad you think so!:heart:
Reply
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