Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconsammur-amat: More from Sammur-amat


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
May 10, 2012
File Size
2.2 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
389
Favourites
19 (who?)
Comments
47

License

Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
×
i. together tonight
   you lay with me by the bay
   bay moon reflecting
   sun's light
   onto the serendipitous
   sorceress sea
   have your way with me

   it is as if
   a billion strings of
   precious pearls
   lustrous luminous
   lined up just for us
   to watch in wonder  

   there seems to be
   a storm ahead
   as cloudy skies show
   no sign of starlight
   though
   if we get lucky
   we might tonight
   discover   
   our firefly friends
   as they flutter
   by the ferns
   flickering their flames
   in pretty synchronicity

   just as my ocean eyes
   reflect the light
   from your face
   your fingers trace
   tiny heart shapes on
   my destitute decollete
   
   your love is colored
   tugboat red
   I resemble the selkie
   masthead
   wave upon thrashing wave
   we are sailing in waters
   uncharted

ii. together tonight
    you lay with me by the bay
    bay moon reflecting
    sun's light
    onto the serendipitous
    sorceress sea
    have your way with me

    it was by sorceress sea
    that this all began
    yet I know this to be
    a dream from which
    I am yet to stir
    I am but of wretched relation
    a cursed love-child
    of Freyja and Aegir
    
    by your ember-filled embrace
    I become magical again
    my worries you erase
    and I should on you
    cast my final spell
    before you could set me free
    I would bind you to me
    
    and in the hollow
    of my clavicle
    there is warmth aglow
    an aftermath
    a testament
    to your
    butterfly kisses
    
    as you trail my neck
    ruthlessly
    I imagine your lips
    whispering to my
    carotid artery
    a promise of forever
    of unending tomorrows
EDITED AGAIN! :la:

Free Verse:heart:

Let this be my missed NaPoWriMo day 19.:dummy:

By the way this is entirely made up. Aside from those being real Norse god names, the idea of selkies being cursed love-children is entirely my sick brain's concoction. :XD:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------


I WOULD SUPER LOVE TO SEE COMMENTS, THANK YOU!!:heart:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Critiques:
Which lines did you like the least?
Which lines did you like the most?
What do you think of the flow?
Was the poem too lengthy or too short or just right?
Additional comments :D
Add a Comment:
 
:iconsusurrousity:
Critique by susurrousity Jun 9, 2012, 11:46:43 PM
something i adore about you is that you helpfully put lots of critique ideas into your comments! probably something you learned from #theWrittenRevolution, yes? :heart:

which lines did you like the least?
tough question. i can honestly say i like it all (: the only thing i would comment on is the line lengths in your third stanza - it feels a tad bit disjointed in comparison to the rest of the piece? this bit in particular, i think, would benefit from less playing with the [enter] key:
discover / our firefly friends / as they / flutter / by the ferns

BUT. i still adore it, and will continue to do so whether or not you change it (:

which lines did you like the most?
- onto the serendipitous / sorceress sea
- my destitute decollete
- the. entire. last. verse. it's so wonderful, really.

what do you think of the flow?
i already commented on this with the "least favourite lines" part (:

was the poem too lengthy or too short or just right?
i really liked the length! well done!

ahhh can't wait to continue critiquing these. you're a wonderful poet :heart:
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012
Oh god, you have no clue (or perhaps some clue, come to think of it) how big of a sucker I am for oceans and love songs and just. god. I love this. This is amazing, you are amazing, and "the serendipitous sorceress sea" is -amazing-. :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012   General Artist
I certainly do. I'm a sucker for sea songs and love songs too. :heart:
Eeeee! I'm thrilled you're thrilled, dizzylove! :love:
Thank you so very kindly for your loveliness, really, and it is you who is beautiful beyond words. :tighthug:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2012
Oh stop it, Dee, you're far too sweet. :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2012   General Artist
CAN'T. YOU DESERVE MOAR, YOU SEE. :iconepiclaplz:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2012
:iconsnuggleplz: Nuh-uh. :heart:
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2012   General Artist
YUH HUH :iconexplodelaplz:
Reply
:iconautumnlit:
autumnlit Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012
I love the way this flows, almost like a song, a sea hymn. :heart: Beautiful work! ^^
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012   General Artist
Thank you so much, darling! :huggle:
That is such a beautiful depiction. :love:
Reply
:iconautumnlit:
autumnlit Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012
You're welcome ^^
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012   General Artist
:heart:
Reply
Add a Comment: