literature

Azrael

Deviation Actions

Sammur-amat's avatar
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Literature Text

He was just standing there, by the graffiti stained walls of a ghetto parking lot. It did not suit him at all, what with his blanca skin and raven lashes. This man was like a Roman god painting, dreadfully cut and paste unto a poor man's parking lot.

She was six and thought him to be a man of twenty two, just like her eldest cheerleader sister. Teddy bear still in hand and mother still busy searching for her car keys, she stood there, gaze steady, in awe of the young man's beauty.

It came as quite a shock to him when he noticed her eyes sparking, bright and full of life, looking at him. He let out a deep sigh and curled his pointer finger to signal her to come close, and she obeyed.

As she was walking closer, she noticed two more things: first, that this man had radiating white wings and second, diamond-like tears were falling from his eyes. When she asked him why he was crying, he answered, "I'm the person you go to if He finds it is time to bring you home, not just the person who plays pick-up boy, I'm supposed to be there beforehand."

Seconds later a heart wrenching scream was heard, and the little girl's mother was sprawling on the floor. She was bawling her eyes out, picking up her lifeless daughter's body from the floor, blood-drenched. Little girl had become another victim of the neighborhood gang war, shot by gunman with silencer in a moving, heavily tinted vehicle.  
Edited! :la:

VERY LATE I KNOW :blush:

~Flash-Fic-Month Day 05

An entirely different take on *SurrealCachinnation's prompt:
"I'm the person you go to if you want someone dead, not the person you go to when someone just died."

Hope you guys enjoy the read! :eager:
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I WOULD SUPER LOVE TO SEE COMMENTS, THANK YOU!!:heart:
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Critiques:
Was the story line clear?
Which line did you like/dislike the most?
Was there real impact at any instance?
Comments101
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NotenSMSK's avatar
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

An interesting work I must say. I somewhat knew what was going to happen, perhaps because I write in the same manner or with the same mindset.

The storyline was clear. It did hold a mysterious feel to it. The fact that he was crying and the wings are not really expected. But when he stated who he was and that he was crying, I realized what was to happen.

There are no favorite lines actually. I am a bit confused. In my opinion, it could have been a lot better. Firstly, I don't understand:

"It did not suit him at all, what with his blanca skin and raven lashes."

The "what" seems wrong here but I wonder if it is a... sort of an expression since I would not expect such mistake from you.

Then... the statement about her thinking he was 22... it was not needed in my opinion. It seems to be just there. Then there was the confusion that in 2nd para it starts with "she" and turns to "he" in third but that is no major issue.

The last portion... of her being a victim of a gang war and the mentioned car somewhat disappointed me as an ending. I would have preferred it to end with the flight or tears of the Angel. That might be me.

I would disagree with the previous critique (I usually don't read them but the rating confused me) that the pacing is wrong. The pacing felt fine but the ending and the "he" "she" transformation put me off.

The impact was when the angel talks. It just felt that way for me.

So over all a fine work but with a lot of room for improvement.